Baggage From the Past

And how to leave it in the past...

Welcome to Reset Learning Studio, a newsletter to help you reach your greatest potential.

Several years (and what feels like a lifetime ago), I was in couple’s therapy in a last-ditch effort to avoid an inevitable breakup. We went every week, faithfully, for months, and every subsequent session only made us more hurt and more angry. After one particularly taxing session, our therapist, a calm, unflappable Buddhist in her 70s, finally threw in the towel. “If you two keep arguing like this, I’ll help you break up myself!” she said. We stopped in our tracks, stopped arguing, and started listening.

“Every relationship is about baggage,” she said, “Every single person in this world has their own baggage, so instead of trying to find a partner without any, the next best thing is to find someone whose baggage is compatible with yours. You two do not have baggage that is compatible.” She was right. Because of how he grew up, he needed constant affirmation, connection, and reassurance. Because of how I grew up, that type of neediness made me pull away and shut down.

Shortly after this, we broke up and moved on, and a few years later, I met someone whose baggage works with mine. And, through my own internal work and following my partner’s good example, I’ve swapped out my anxious-avoidant attachment style for a secure attachment style. I have learned how to be vulnerable, and open, and how to express my needs. I’ve stopped letting toxic personalities into my life, and overall, I really like who I am. But, every once in a while, of course, that old baggage still flares up.

My friend Sandy Sitron describes our childhood baggage this way: We all have the song of our life that was formed in childhood that now plays on a loop like a record. There is no way to change that song. The record is already grooved. HOWEVER, we can learn how to turn the volume way down on the song.

So, whatever our fears, insecurities, or biases— we can’t ever fully rid ourselves of them, but we can learn how to quiet them so much that they no longer run the show. We teach ourselves how to listen to new, healthier voices.

The first step is all about identification. Do you know what your baggage is? Here are some common limiting beliefs that can get picked up in childhood and carried into adulthood:

• I’m not good enough

• I have to please everyone

• Conflict is bad

• Money is scarce

• Love is stressful/suffocating

• I can’t trust others, and people will always let me down

• I’m not important

• I have to be responsible for and take care of others

• I’m not creative

• I’m not worthy of love

The second step is to recognize how much your baggage is responsible for your emotional reaction. For instance, when my partner is late to meet me or pick me up, I can get irrationally upset because it reminds me of the million and one times my mom did that growing up. Sometimes she was HOURS late to pick me up from a school activity or friend’s house, and it was extremely stressful for me.

Now, as an adult, I can recognize that now, with my partner, it’s not the same situation at all, and the level of upset I’m bringing into the situation is unwarranted. I can recognize within myself that I’m 95% upset because of the past, and 5% upset because of the situation right now. And suddenly, the volume of my baggage drops way down, and I can return back to the adult me of today.

I want to invite you to try to do the same. When you’re feeling any strong emotion— fear, anger, sadness, jealousy, insecurity— check in with when you’ve felt that way in the past. What formative moments of your past come up for you when you’re most upset? When you can begin to identify your old wounds, and acknowledge, “I’m especially sensitive to this because of happened in my past,” that is the ultimate freedom.

You don’t have to run from your baggage. In fact, ignoring it only makes it worse. Pushing it down, pretending it doesn’t exist, or refusing to acknowledge its influence on the present, only hurts you more. Instead, acknowledge it, thank it for trying to protect you, and then, with lots of love, tell your baggage that it’s no longer needed. Gently let it go.

It feels right to close this newsletter with a blessing for this next month. Something to keep in mind as you move from one way of being to the next:

May you remember that everything you’ve experienced in the past is a testament to your resilience.

May every step forward replace the burdens of yesterday with the lightness of today.

May you be free to create new beliefs, new memories, and a new relationship with yourself.

May you be blessed with the courage to change your ways, knowing that the best is yet to come.

Love,
Liz

Read:

The Myth of Normal by Dr. Gabor Maté
It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn

Listen:

How to Feel Your Feelings
How to Heal Emotional Wounds to Start Moving On From The Past Today

Practice:

1. When you find yourself feeling triggered from a person, situation, or experience, take a moment to notice what you are feeling in your body, notice what story is looping in your head, and take note of the reality of the situation.

2. If you need to move from a heightened to a lowered state of emotion, try these practices.

3. Reflect on other times you have experienced this trigger. Try and think back to the earliest memory of this experience and notice the story that you began believing from there (Ex. I don’t belong, I have to earn my love, I need to defend myself, etc.)

4. Some journaling prompts to support this process:

   1. What emotion am I feeling right now? Where do I feel it in my body?

   2. What painful past memories does this moment remind me of?

   3. Where are my needs not being met? What do I need more of right now?

   4. How can I be 5% more compassionate towards myself and others right now?

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